VeianetA Love so distant...
October 27th 2010 20:23
Love is in the air...:
Faith
Category: It's all about love
Love me...
My life was so different from people who learned to love naturally, have the freedom to choose whom they love and decide for themselves. My dad is an old fashioned, communist type of a parent. He has been a good provider as he works really hard to provide for us four, of two different mother but has remained close to each other. It is a familiar sight to see a Chinese guy with two or three different wives in their lifetime, it is because women are a second class and is easy to replace.
Having been said, my dad took us all in his care and provided everything we needed as long as we labor in his business. Growing up was difficult, so different from my mother's culture. It was a decision my mother made while I was young and bendable to her command, believing I will have a better future living with my dad. As an obedient child, I submit to her decision and stayed with my dad in the city. It was hard, confusing and sometimes I feel like...maybe the city is not where I belong. I strive hard, coping with city life and feels discouraged when things don't come up to my dad's expectation.
Is this how parents show their love? They only smile when a child do good or something that is acceptable to their thinking and insult my pride when my mind speaks of what I believe in? Life was like walking on a stick, always tiptoed, never breaking the silence and going forward with no complains whatsoever. Reward was not even a big thing but provision is always on hand, regular as long as it is deemed necessary. School is a decision up to me, whether I want to finish or forget it knowing my intellect is not up to the city's standard. I learned that from my dad. He is always ready to criticize what I do wrong and never say a word of praise when I made it right. Why is he quiet when I needed the praise as much as I needed the criticism to correct a wrong?
My mind believes that my dad never loves me. But where can I go? I have no other place to go. I have a dozen times think of leaving but fear always blinds my nerve from doing and so I stayed with hope that one day he will realized that he has a daughter in me. A second class in his country.
A love so distant is not what I need. It crumbles my spirit and weakens my mind to do better. It is somewhat similar to being dead, no right to smile when there is a reason to be happy unless I hide from him. That is when I learned to hide from my dad, when smiles and laughs were hard to contain. It is better this way. I have learned to keep those moments in my heart and when my time for a day off comes, it will be this very day that I will laugh to the top of my lungs, on top of a mountain and hope to hear the echo, laughing back to me. It is very powerful, peaceful to my soul and serene to my mind.
Day by day, I have learned my father's love the way it is - A love so distant, laughing from the inside, never showing emotions for fear it won't be accepted. But one day, everything changed to my surprise when he was old and weak to even laugh. That is when he said to me how he loved me. A love so distant is how he learned when growing up. His parents did the same thing and he followed it, forgetting the daughter in me. And for the first time, he said I AM SORRY.
I was speechless, shocked and angry with myself. I wish there was something I did to make him see better, the daughter that needs a love not so distant but near and always ready to smile. It was late, he is dead and I just cry to my heart, hoping there is a chance to tell him that I AM SORRY for not believing in his way of showing love - A love so distant yet powerful enough to make a difference in my little one.
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